Tonight I went back and read through some early journals I had written. In some ways I am a very different person from who I was then, in some ways I am very much the same. I came across this particular entry which I wanted to share…I think it will be comforting to those who are currently struggling with scrupulosity (religious OCD)…I hope also that it will give those who have not suffered from scrupulosity some insight into the suffering which is found in the midst of this disorder…it is important to note that this entry is fairly representative of entries in my journal. This one comes at a “breaking point” – so some are less intense than others, but the overall agony is fairly accurate of the day-by-day state of the scrupulous sufferer.
February 11th, 2002
Crap! I hate my life. Why must I always be convicted of the smallest nothings? Why cannot I live like any other normal person? Why must I be such an idiot? I hate my life. I wish for the sweet peace of death and eternity with Christ where I will no more sin nor have to worry about sin nor worry about my past deeds. I hate this!
In the past several days I have asked Phil if he was offended by my (jokingly) calling him a heathen b/c he had his ear pierced, told a guy I said things about Dr. —– which I shouldn’t have (don’t even remember his name),1I was unhappy with the class and did not like the way the teacher taught it. and told my mom that I did not watch the Matrix for the reasons I told her I did.2I have no remembrance of what reasons I gave and whether they were accurate or not… Now I am convicted about such things as playing too roughly with my siblings and scaring…Jeremiah’s little brother, I don’t even remember his name.3I don’t think the scaring was intentional, the memory is so faint – I think I walked into a room or something and he just happened to be frightened by the surprise of my presence.
Ohh God, how much longer must I suffer under this conviction? How much longer before I may have peace? Will you always turn your face from me and give me no wisdom? Must I always be lost in this pit? Why have you forsaken me? I seek your face and yet feel as if it is hid from me. I push on every day behind the mask of peace and serenity and yet within my soul is the utmost turmoil. Can I have no peace? Will you not allow me to move on? What am I to do with these matters? What can I do to rectify them? How can I in any way make better what I have done. I feel like swearing Lord, I want to let loose, I want to die. I do not want life anymore, Father, please will you give me snakes and rocks? Can I have bread and wine? Must I always seek and never find? When I knock on the door will you never answer? Ohh, God, please. Forgive me for my trespasses and show me the way that I am to go. I feel so guilty! And all I want to do is swear. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to speak to you. I type this now b/c I am afraid as soon as I get on my knees I will lose the desire and stand again. OHHH GOD!!! GOD DO YOU HEAR ME? MUST I EVER STAY THIS WAY? PLEASE HELP ME! GOD!!! PLEASE!!!
Okay, I have to clean my room, but I ask for your help. Am I to press on? God? God? God?
I know you’re out there…I know you hear me….I know you love me….I just don’t feel like it. Ohhh God, please. Please. Please. Please.
Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Give me peace by life or death, O Lord, I beg of you. Amen. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Forgive me for my anger. Amen.
Footnotes [ + ]
|1.||↑||I was unhappy with the class and did not like the way the teacher taught it.|
|2.||↑||I have no remembrance of what reasons I gave and whether they were accurate or not…|
|3.||↑||I don’t think the scaring was intentional, the memory is so faint – I think I walked into a room or something and he just happened to be frightened by the surprise of my presence.|