I’ve been ill for the past number of weeks – an auto-immune disorder of some form or another. I was placed on steroids (prednisone) to assist with the inflammation and rashes (which worked miracles as usual). When I take steroids they also cause an immediate and complete lift of my depressive symptoms.
Over the past number of days, even though still on a maintenance dose of prednisone, I could feel myself slipping back into depression. It was agonizing to slowly watch my mood slip away from me…to know that I was falling back into a dark hole. Granted, that hole is where I live most of my life – but after being in the daylight it is so much harder to return to the darkness.
Yesterday it finally hit with all its fury, an awesome terror of darkness. Every desire within me was sucked out and I felt like I was drifting on a sea to which there was no end, with no wind, no purpose, no hope.
I will not pretend that at moments like these death does not appear like a ray of sunshine, a relief from all that is misery. I know, I know, “don’t talk like that” but it is true. All I can see of life in those moments is the miserable challenge of going on…and there is not much (realistic) hope when the darkness subsides – for it is only the dark darkness that ever lifts, the darkness itself is ever present – and so I move from absolute and utter turmoil to a manageable turmoil – a sublimated turmoil which can be hidden behind a smile, forgotten with a laugh, departed for a time – but which always returns…like a friend who will not take the hint and leave one alone.
So, now, I am back to the darkness. The dark darkness has lifted, but it is still dark. And some would say to me, “How can I have the passion for learning you do?” Just find the darkness and it will drive you. You’ll learn everything you can in hope that there is some respite from the darkness. The darkness is the taskmaster that drives me…