As of yesterday morning I was invoking self-protective defense mechanisms – essentially shutting off my emotions (don’t know if that is healthy, but it was the only way I knew how to cope). I used the CES device at 8:30 am (7/15) after getting a poor night’s sleep.
7/15 – 4 PM Report
I’ve been listening to music all day. I’m listless and depressed. I wander around reading, watching, doing much and accomplishing nothing. I use the CES device at Level 4. No ill side-effects.
7/15 – 11 PM Report
My situation has changed – not necessarily for the better – just changed. At first I feel no emotions, then I call a friend and after hanging up I lose it. I’m on the floor bawling my eyes out, snot running out of my nose, crawling around, screaming. I swing my arms wide and chuck rows of books off the shelves. It relents for a few minutes and then it is back. I run to the toilet and dry heave.
Around 11:30 PM I put on the CES device and run it at Level 4 – again no side-effects other than the usual shaky vision. I can barely stand the agony so I take a clomipramine, I don’t want to be an insomniac tonight.
I lay down on the floor next to my computer speakers, turn them up full blast and play some rock music. When I’m tired enough I turn it off and drift off to sleep.
7/16 – 10:30 AM Report
I slept well, but probably due to the clomipramine and not the CES device. I know, I know, I’m ruining my testing by introducing another variable – but this is real life and sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
In any case, I’ve been up since 8:45 but have been busy. I finally get a chance to wear the CES device – which is running as I type and so my monitor shakes back and forth and the little yellow lights on the stimulator rapidly blink alone with the solitary green light.
I’ve alternated being bawling and feeling stable. At the moment I feel stable. That could change in five minutes. I need to take my regular medications (Prozac, Adderall, Wellbutrin).
I don’t mind crying. I have almost no ability to cry – so when the tears come, I welcome them.