7/17 – 9 AM Report
As I reported in my last post, I awoke at 8 am in a fairly stable state, had not used clonazepam the night before , but had slept successfully. I utilized the device at Level 4 around 9 AM.
7/17 – 3 PM Report
I did not use the device again in the afternoon as I have been doing, not b/c I did not want to, but b/c I needed to go do some work for a client. I continued to be emotionally stable throughout the day with occasional periods of deep gut/heart wrenching.
7/17 – 11:30 PM Report
I had four meetings today (besides the consulting), two of them were fairly difficult. The meetings were difficult not b/c of the topics under discussion but b/c my thoughts were opposed with such strength of conviction. I have to “be my own man” – but I find it difficult to “stay the course” when individuals I highly respect attempt fervently to dissuade me from a course of action.
Knowing that my mental illness can at times skew my perspective on life and decisions I try to involve others in the decision making process frequently…and I especially try to seriously consider when others oppose my ideas/plans/philosophy/theology.
This is a good thing, but in the end, I still bear responsibility for making the choice. This is scary for someone with OCD – b/c we desire certainty. Certainty that we are making the right choice, doing the right thing – and the truth is that most of life is about uncertainty. Even the certain is uncertain…
I used the device again around this time or a little later, again at Level 4 without side effects.
7/18 – 8:45 AM Report
I’m up again and running the device at Level 4. I should note one small (very small) side effect I’ve noticed upon occasion. When I first power up the device I sometimes feel a slight (very slight) pain on the skin on one side (like a very minor electrical zap one might get from static electricity; and it is only on the skin, not anything deep like within the brain or etc.), it abates after only a second or two and the rest of the process is painless – and it doesn’t always happen.
I have been successfully interacting with electronics and water (not taking showers or swimming, but washing hands, etc.) while wearing the device without any negative results to myself or the electronics. I have also been wearing my glasses and while they sometimes bump up against the sponge containers, I’ve experienced no negative effects from such (e.g. I wondered if I might receive some form of minor shock).
I slept last night without clonazepam and slept restfully.
I feel pretty emotionally drained. I’m hoping I can rest a bit today, though I need to do some more consulting work later in the day. However, in spite of all this, I do feel that my underlying dysthymia (low-level, continuous depression) has not been nearly as bad since starting to utilize the CES device and that the significant emotional exhaustion and bouts of gut/heart wrenching depression/pain are situational rather than biological. I also feel that the CES device does calm my mind before going to sleep and may (when I am not deeply distressed situationally) be enough to allow me to fall asleep quickly and experience a good night’s rest.
That said, this analysis is entirely suspect due to the uncontrolled variable of my current situation. All these conclusions are extremely preliminary.
I appreciate the offers of support, encouragement, and assistance I have received – much more than I can express in words, or even in person (most know my emotional range is limited; so even when I am deeply touched, hurt, etc. I usually don’t express with normative social cues and folks must rely on my spoken/written word to know my emotional state…why this is, is a topic for another day). Please know that while I have not felt I *needed* anything at this time, the one thing I have perhaps *needed* is exactly what has been offered – the offer of support from people I care about and trust.
Your prayers are also deeply appreciated and coveted.