7/24 – 8:00 AM Report

I’m taking someone to a specialist today. Not just providing transportation but also acting as a second set of ears to ensure the necessary questions are answered and things move forward in the right direction. I take my medications and jump in the car. So far, I’m doing fine…and I slept well last night, without taking any clonazepam; only using CES.

7/24 – 2:30 PM Report

Six hours later and I’m back home. I’m glad I did it, but this sort of thing is stretching for me. I don’t do well sitting in waiting rooms – I go a bit stir crazy. But I’m proud of myself for doing (just being honest) and I learned a lot which I hope will be helpful.

I didn’t get to use the CES device in the morning, but use it in the afternoon, early enough that I can still use it again before going to bed in the evening.

7/24 – 12:00 AM Report

I spent a lot of time reading this evening – 3.75 hrs. between three books – all addressing my current situation. I’ve felt myself heading downhill most of the evening, things really begin to get back around 8:30-9:00 pm. I’d like to go to sleep, but I know if I do I’ll be up the entire night, so I push on.

I feel angry and sad. I don’t like uncertainty and that is all I’ve got right now. I use the CES device around 10:30 b/c I am so tired and just want to sleep. I put in my ear plugs and turn up the music. I lay down and close my eyes.

I like to feel the music. The sound waves reverberate through the floor and into me. The angst-filled lyrics reflect the state of my soul.

I can’t fall asleep. I’ll be up till 1:30 am (7/25) before I finally fall asleep.

CES Feedback

I’m becoming more convinced that the CES is having a positive effect on my overall mental health…but I’m still reticent to make any firm proclamations of its efficacy.

[Random] Thoughts on Psalms

I know that for many, admitting this sort of angst-filled experience, is scary. I don’t mean for you to admit you are experiencing it (though that would be even more frightening) but for me to admit that I am experiencing it. As Christians we like to talk about suffering in the past, but not the suffering we are experiencing currently.

Someone was talking to me recently about finding comfort in the Psalms, but how they were frustrated by the way the Psalm moved from lament to praising God within the same chapter – this wasn’t their experience. I agree, it isn’t my experience either.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking about that for a while, especially after reading through Job, and my conclusion is that we should look on the Psalms as a finished poetic statement that written at a point in time cover a vast period of time. That is, the Psalmist probably did not move from lament to praise as quickly as it seems in some of the Psalms – but he is portraying the totality of his experience afterwards.

Job portrays exactly what I mean. If every Psalm was as long as Job, we probably wouldn’t complain about the movement from lament to praise. By the time I slog through well over thirty-five chapters of lament and argument, I’m ready to hear a little hope and praise – to see God’s marvelous hand at work.

Postscript

Its nearly 10 am (7/25) and I’m not doing well. I had a good run (Sunday – Wednesday) but I figured it would end sometime. Battening down the hatches and riding out another storm. Lord willing, this one will be shorter than the last.