Trying to process life and reading through some old journal entries…This is what it is like when the OCD/scrupulosity is pretty bad and is from February 11th, 2002 – over ten years ago. I would have just turned 18 in January.
Crap! I hate my life. Why must I always be convicted of the smallest nothings? Why cannot I live like any other normal person? Why must I be such an idiot? I hate my life. I wish for the sweet peace of death and eternity with Christ where I will no more sin nor have to worry about sin nor worry about my past deeds. I hate this!
In the past several days I have asked [name] if he was offended by my (jokingly) calling him a heathen b/c he had his ear pierced, told a guy I said things about Dr. [name] which I shouldn’t have (don’t even remember his name), and told my mom that I did not watch the Matrix for the reasons I told her I did. Now I am convicted about such things as playing too roughly with my siblings and scaring…[name]’s little brother, I don’t even remember his name.1I didn’t intend to scare the boy, it was an accident. I think I entered the room unexpectedly or something…I don’t remember, it was so long ago.
Ohh God, how much longer must I suffer under this conviction? How much longer before I may have peace? Will you always turn your face from me and give me no wisdom? Must I always be lost in this pit? Why have you forsaken me? I seek your face and yet feel as if it is hid from me. I push on every day behind the mask of peace and serenity and yet within my soul is the utmost turmoil. Can I have no peace? Will you not allow me to move on? What am I to do with these matters? What can I do to rectify them? How can I in any way make better what I have done. I feel like swearing Lord, I want to let loose, I want to die. I do not want life anymore, Father, please will you give me snakes and rocks? Can I have bread and wine? Must I always seek and never find? When I knock on the door will you never answer? Ohh, God, please. Forgive me for my trespasses and show me the way that I am to go. I feel so guilty! And all I want to do is swear. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to speak to you. I type this now b/c I am afraid as soon as I get on my knees I will lose the desire and stand again. OHHH GOD!!! GOD DO YOU HEAR ME? MUST I EVER STAND THIS WAY? PLEASE HELP ME! GOD!!! PLEASE!!!
Okay, I have to clean my room, but I ask for your help. Am I to press on? God? God? God?
I know you’re out there…I know you hear me….I know you love me….I just don’t feel like it. Ohhh God, please. Please. Please. Please.
Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Give me peace by life or death, O Lord, I beg of you. Amen. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Forgive me for my anger. Amen.
|↑1||I didn’t intend to scare the boy, it was an accident. I think I entered the room unexpectedly or something…I don’t remember, it was so long ago.|