Days 19 / 20 – Fisher Wallace CES Stimulator

7/29 – 11:30 PM Report

Monday. It was neither a good or bad day. Three meetings outside of Nomads. ┬áSignificant amounts of reading. Nap and relaxing. Then to leader’s meeting and then to Nomads. We played Team Keep Away – which was a lot of fun, but extremely exhausting. At the end I flopped onto the gym floor and just stayed there.

We continued our journey through MacDonald’s The Lost Princess, discussing the allegorical connections MacDonald is making to God, us, and the Scriptures. The teens and leaders are great. I’m thankful for the opportunity to work with them and they bring me joy as I seek to sow into their lives.

I return home. Been doing a lot of reading and organizing recently – including of my journals. I have journals going back to 2001, then a skip back to 1998. For some reason I don’t have any from 2003-2006, I’ve filled in a few spots with different documents I’ve found that were written for classes, or emails, etc. that fill in some of the gaps…but I can’t figure out how I could have not journaled for three years.

I also have an encrypted file with journals in it I made as a teenager. Unfortunately it is AES-256 bit encryption (nearly unbreakable) and while I remember several variations of the password – none of the variations work. I suspect these are journals from 1999 and previously…

In any case…I began using the CES at 11 pm, having used it in the morning at 9:30 am. I’ve noticed a few times that even when pumped up to maximum it is only reaching Level 2. This appears to be related to the placed of the nodes. If I fiddle with them for a few seconds, they move up to Level 4…and sometimes it seems as if it just takes a minute or two to “warm up.”

I go to sleep, but since it is before midnight and my legs have been restless, I take clonazepam. I am out like a light.

7/30 – 8:00 AM Report

I’m up at 7:30 and being productive. This is unusual. I am very foggy most mornings. Charity oftentimes talk to me and I won’t remember a word – I drift between this sleep/non-sleep barrier. I’ll have another three meetings – including the loosely coined “intern meeting” – which is another of my joys.

7/30 – 3:00 PM Report

Emotionally this has been a very rough day. I feel a lot of pain – that begins in the mind and seeps into the body. My chest hurts – no, it is WPW Syndrome acting up, nor some other normal, physiological issue – it is the depression and the stress.

The referred pain from my brain makes my heart literally hurt. My legs aren’t being exactly cooperative either. Several times I’ll attempt to lie down to rest, each time my legs will drive me to my feet again, even when elevated.

7/30 – 11:59 PM Report

Oftentimes I feel overwhelmed at the thought of trying to bring something to the meeting worthy of discussion – and even more of moderating and guiding such a discussion. Some times I am more successful than others…sometimes I am so beaten down by life, I feel like I fail miserably.

But I’m thankful for each person who participates in the meetings. For their friendship, honesty, teachability – and for the frequent (but not frustratingly so) bursts of laughter and humor which punctuate our discussions.

After the meeting I return home and begin to read – and read – and read. I’ll continue reading until 1:30 AM on 7/31, when the intrepid Anne Mackey facebooks me and we talk for 30 minutes. Okay, now it is 2 AM, I should go to sleep.

7/31 – Postscript

I am waking from a night of disturbing and strange dreams. I am concerned. Have I slept in late? Is it 10 am? But my body feels heavy and I roll over, fitfully sleeping for a few minutes more. I awake again. Is it noon? Have I wasted the day in bed? What do you expect when you stay up till 2 am?

I still feel tired, but now something else has my attention. My body is shaking – but it doesn’t feel like my body – it feels like the bed, but not just the bed but the house.

This happens sometimes when a large tractor trailer goes by on I-95, but it lasts only a second or two and then passes – this is extending longer and longer.

It feels a bit like when I use the CES at Level 4 and it makes my vision wiggle – except in this case I’m not using the CES and it isn’t just my vision wiggling but my entire reality. It feels a bit like those little earthquakes we’ve had in PA…I won’t be surprised if I learn later there was one…but I doubt it, for as soon as I begin to move to get up the shaking stops.

I check my cell phone – how late is it going to be? 7:00 AM. What?! I feel as if I have slept forever. I am well-rested and fairly energetic. I can already feel that I’ll need a nap later in the day – but that is every day. I’m confused, but get up and begin to go about my day…and that brings us to here…a strange start to the day.

I feel strangely peaceful at the moment…the calm after the storm perhaps – or the calm before another storm?

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