7/31 – 7:00 AM Report
[Also included in previous post as Postscript]
I am waking from a night of disturbing and strange dreams. I am concerned. Have I slept in late? Is it 10 am? But my body feels heavy and I roll over, fitfully sleeping for a few minutes more. I awake again. Is it noon? Have I wasted the day in bed? What do you expect when you stay up till 2 am?
I still feel tired, but now something else has my attention. My body is shaking – but it doesn’t feel like my body – it feels like the bed, but not just the bed but the house.
This happens sometimes when a large tractor trailer goes by on I-95, but it lasts only a second or two and then passes – this is extending longer and longer.
It feels a bit like when I use the CES at Level 4 and it makes my vision wiggle – except in this case I’m not using the CES and it isn’t just my vision wiggling but my entire reality. It feels a bit like those little earthquakes we’ve had in PA…I won’t be surprised if I learn later there was one…but I doubt it, for as soon as I begin to move to get up the shaking stops.
I check my cell phone – how late is it going to be? 7:00 AM. What?! I feel as if I have slept forever. I am well-rested and fairly energetic. I can already feel that I’ll need a nap later in the day – but that is every day. I’m confused, but get up and begin to go about my day…and that brings us to here…a strange start to the day.
I feel strangely peaceful at the moment…the calm after the storm perhaps – or the calm before another storm?
7/31 – 1:00 PM Report
I used the CES soon after awaking this morning and set about being productive. This lasted for perhaps two hours before I was hit by overwhelming fatigue. By the time afternoon hit, I’m feeling fairly depressed. I try to keep going, and make some progress…then the rest of my day/evening is taken up with meetings.
7/31 – 9:45 PM Report
I don’t know why I do it to myself – that is, try to go to bed before midnight. It is always a bad idea but I always convince myself, “No, this time you are so tired you will sleep straight through.” Anyways, I use the CES device and then go to bed…I’ll awake around midnight, per usual, and be unable to go back to sleep.
Did you know our brains use something like 30% of the energy we consume each day? Yet they are such a small part of us. Depressive days are tired days, and today ended up being a depressive day despite its optimistic start.
8/1 – 3:30 AM Report
I wake at 12:30 AM – due to going to bed before midnight. I never learn. I spend time reading and take a break to watch a TV show…At 3:30 I finally feel tired enough to fall back asleep.
8/1 – 10:15 AM Report
I’ve used the CES and gone about many of the normal responsibilities…but today is a really bad day.
Psychosomatic pain? Yeah, I feel that. Especially in my heart. It feels a bit like someone has torn off my breastbone and ribs and is squeezing and pulling on my heart with their hands. Not a lot of fun…but I’m trying to stay productive.
8/1 – 11:59 PM Report
Another REALLY bad day. I accomplished a number of tasks – and (unsuccessfully) attempted to install a new Nest thermostat in my house, but that will be another story for another day on another blog (probably Dave Enjoys). I’m still reading a lot – I tend to do this whenever I’m down – I try to understand what is happening. Use the CES in the evening and go to bed.
8/2 – 2:00 AM Report
Attempt to sleep was unsuccessful – restless legs are acting up and driving me nuts. I read some more, but to no avail. I take clonazepam and after 30 mins. or so am ready to sleep.
8/2 – 11:00 AM Report
I see my psychologist (a psychologist talks with you about your problems, a psychiatrist prescribes medications for your problems) and prepare to travel to New York for my sister’s (Martha) wedding.
8/2 – 4:30 PM Report
The problem when one is going through a “crisis” is that every additional small thing that goes wrong seems amplified a hundred times. I’m supposed to be at the wedding rehearsal by 3:30, but I won’t get there until 4:30. Everything was good to go, but an accident on the highway north adds thirty minutes to my travels and then my phone dying (which is my GPS) leaves me lost in the middle-of-nowhere. When I get the phone back up, there is no signal – so no GPS. Now its time to pull over b/c there is a huge bicycle race and cops are directing the flow of traffic. More driving, more frustration. Finally, I arrive – an hour late. I’m not in a good frame of mind.
8/2 – 11:30 PM Report
Finished the wedding rehearsal, went back to South Westerlo Community Church for the rehearsal dinner. Snuck away upstairs to lay down and use the CES as my nerves are still severely disturbed.
Get lost on the return trip from SWCC to my mom’s house. The GPS is giving CRAZY directions. Finally arrive home. Send out emails, get ready for bed. Write this post…Here I am.
I HATE TRAVELING. It is important I use the word “traveling” instead of “driving” – b/c it isn’t just the “driving” I have a hard time with, but the entire experience. I’ve spoken to at least one other individual who struggles with OCD and finds similar issues with traveling. I think it has to do with how much it disrupts our routines. So, this has been a really rough day – the worst in a while – on top of a few pretty bad days.
I argued with God on the drive up – unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) He didn’t descend and set me in my place like He does Job and his friends. I wish I could report more positively and optimistically…but I’m realizing how much of Scripture is written from a perspective of loss/suffering/desperation. I’ve been reading Job a lot recently, found some applicable tidbits from Lamentations, and felt some significant kinship of experience with the writer of Ecclesiastes in his hopelessness.
On the positive side – I do love my family and am happy to be in New York with them and to have the honor of performing the wedding tomorrow for Martha and Tyler (her fiancee, soon to be husband). In spite of how difficult this trip has been and all that I am going through right now – I want to be here and to be part of this great occasion in my sister’s life.
Still not a lot of idea how the CES is working for me. I’ve been too upset by my current ongoing crisis to have a stable baseline for determining affect over time. I’m hoping at some point this will clear up and I’ll be able to provide some more reliable reports on the efficacy of the CES.
Lets just say that at this point I’m still optimistic and using the device regularly. When I don’t use it three times a day, I seem to notice a (negative) difference. But this could still be a placebo effect.