I took the day off. I was doing okay emotionally – but I felt any additional burden would probably drop me into the pits. I used the CES in the morning, by 10:45 am I was tired and took a nap (1 hr.), I’d take two more naps (2:30 pm .75 hr.; 6:30 pm 1 hr.) – this is usually indicative that I am struggling emotionally as i use sleep as a means of coping. My brain is always running and two of the only ways I know to turn it off are watching something or sleeping.
I use the CES in the evening and attempt to go to sleep, but now I can’t. Not surprising – when you take too many naps, your body doesn’t want to go to sleep. I’m doing okay, but not well, emotionally. I’m surprised in looking back over my notes from the day that I only watched 1 hr. of television. Besides naps and that one hour I spent almost the entire day reading.
I have a really hard time with decisions that don’t have a clear right/wrong answer and/or that have ambiguity about whether either/any road will be worthwhile. I feel like I am offered the choice, “Would you like me to saw off your hand or your foot?” Well, I would really like you to saw off neither…But does it matter which one you take? Both of them will be bad.
I felt like I had come to a decision, like I knew where I was heading. But later that evening and all of today (8/16) I’ve been up in the air again. James talks about the man who is tossed about by the wind – I sometimes am that man – unfortunately, I don’t see James offering any words of advice on how not to be that man – he simply says “don’t.”