Day 38 – Fisher Wallace CES Report.

8/17 – 2:00 am Report

I couldn’t sleep – so I read and eat.

8/17 – 11:45 am Report

I start the day off productively. I clean out the litter boxes (yuck!), vacuum, and do some general house cleaning. I update OCD Dave, read the Scriptures, take a phone call about the church, and do the mundane things I hate (shower, shave,1I’ve been trying to shave every other day…successful this week. brush teeth, etc.).

The towel rack in the downstairs bathroom has been broken forever, so I fix it. Needed some anchors. The screws strip in the process – I’ll need to drill them out to remove them, but at least it is fixed.

8/17 – 3:30 pm Report

Around 11:45 I leave home for the church office and spend the next several hours there working (primarily on sermon).

8/17 – 7:45 pm Report

I get some food to eat, watch a TV episode, and then work more on the sermon. As the evening has continued I’ve become ever more depressed, but I’m holding to my productivity. Logos Bible Software has been a huge help – my favorite resources at the moment are the New American Commentary, Holman New Testament Commentary, Wuest’s Word Studies in the Greek New Testament, Cornerstone Biblical Commentary, Faithlife Study Bible, and Little Kittel.

Ironically, I use biblegateway.com when reading different versions of Scripture, as it has more English translations available than I currently have in Logos. I particularly tend to reference (in alphabetical order) the Amplified Bible, Common English Bible (CEB), English Standard Version (ESV), Expanded Bible, Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB), J.B. Phillips New Testament, Lexham English Bible (LEB), Eugene Peterson’s The Message (MSG), Mounce Reverse-Interlinear New Testament, New American Standard Bible (NASB), New English Translation (NET), New International Version (NIV), and New Living Translation (NLT). Today I also added Young’s Literal Translation (YLT), the NRSV, and The Voice.

Translations aren’t just a movement of words from one language to another – but an interpretation of those words, sometimes even a commentary upon them. The use of different translations allows me to see different nuances of the words and when words are controversial to view how different interpreters have understood them – and perhaps find some sort of consensus.

8/17 – 9:45 pm Report

By 7:45 pm I’ve sunken into a deep depression. I’ve been struggling against it all day, but now I simply fall under its continuous weight.

For the next two hours I will be listless. I turn up the sound as loud as it can go and let the music boom. I insert my ear plugs and lay on the ground next to them. I can feel the sound waves pulsing through my body…sometimes I even sing along (knowing no one is there to hear me).

Tonight’s playlist? Well, in two hours you can listen to a lot…but (amongst others): Never Alone (BarlowGirl)2Though I oftentimes feel alone., My Body Is a Cage (Arcade Fire)3Less true now than I have felt in the past., My Disease (The Letter Black), Monster (Skillet), Mess of Me (Switchfoot), Lonely Man (Audio Adrenaline), Let Go (Red), Hero (Skillet), Get Well (Icon for Hire), Fire With Fire (The Letter Black), Fire Fire (Flyleaf), Fight (Icon for Hire), Favorite Disease (Thousand Foot Krutch), Don’t Wake Me (Skillet), Dear X You Don’t Own Me (Disciple), Dead Man (Jars of Clay), Crawl (Superchick), Crash (Decyfer Down), Courage (Superchick), Confession (Red), Choose Your Blade (House of Heroes), Infected (12 Stones), Welcome to the Masquerade (TFK), We Are (TFK), War of Change (TFK), Two Hands (Jars of Clay), The Art of Breaking (TFK), Smack Down (TFK), Puppet (TFK), Monster (After Edmund), Let the Sparks Fly (TFK), Fire It Up (TFK), Tonight (Mandolyn Mae), Here We Are (Mandolyn Mae), Why Is It Colder (JJ Heller), Delicate (Damien Rice), What Becomes of the Brokenhearted (Jimmy Ruffin), Losing (Tenth Avenue North), We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are (Rich Mullins), That Changes Everything (12 Stones), Death of Me (Red), The Feel Good Drag (Anberlin), So Far Away (House of Heroes), Hello Heartache (Day of Fire).

You’ll notice a disproportionate representation from Skillet and TFK. House of Heroes, Icon for Hire, The Letter Black, and Red all make a few appearances.

Some newer additions for me which I really like and happen to be less hard rock are Tonight and Here We Are by Mandolyn Mae, Why Is It Colder by JJ Heller, What Becomes of the Brokenhearted by Jimmy Ruffin.

I use the CES, take clonazepam4My naps have generally been short-lived, though perhaps more frequent of late. Oftentimes I can’t sleep at all…My legs have been bothering me a lot, obviously, under stress my physiological symptoms get significantly worse., and go to bed at 9:45 pm. I know its REALLY early, but the pain is so intense and has been so for hours that sleep seems the only acceptable solution.

I look at my door. Printed in big words is St. Francis of Assisi’s saying, “Let us leave sadness to the Devil and his angels. As for us, what can we be but rejoicing and glad?” Ahh, hear my soul, you know that these words are true in the objective and eternal sense, but they refuse to overcome the subjective and temporal experience I have now. I fight for these words to be true, but I fail.

…I have started reading Zig Ziglar’s Confessions of a Grieving Christian. Perhaps I will learn some insights…

Postscript

As I lay in bed with the CES my brain relaxes and I begin to drift off to sleep. I’m unsure whether it is the CES or the clonazepam kicking in…Maybe a little of both. The fact that my legs aren’t squirming in a desperate attempt to disconnect from my body indicates the clonazepam is probably taking effect.

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 I’ve been trying to shave every other day…successful this week.
2 Though I oftentimes feel alone.
3 Less true now than I have felt in the past.
4 My naps have generally been short-lived, though perhaps more frequent of late. Oftentimes I can’t sleep at all…My legs have been bothering me a lot, obviously, under stress my physiological symptoms get significantly worse.

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