Day 39 – Fisher Wallace CES Report.

I wake up at 4:30 am, so I write a post for OCD Dave and then go back to sleep – till 7:45 am. I prepare for church. I go to church. I think the service goes well…not sure about my sermon. It was a beautiful passage about God’s grace and love for the helpless and I preached it as best as I could, but when the hurt is so strong, it can be difficult.

I spent forty-five minutes after the service in various conversations – some social, several crises of one sort or another. Now I’m cooked. I’d really like to stay and talk longer, but I can’t…I like/love these people but…My reservoirs were low to begin with and I’m tapped dry. If there was another crisis needing to be handled, I could do that…for some reason I find some extra energy – just like we find extra space for dessert even though we are stuffed from dinner…and it really does seem like there is some extra space!

I did take my medications this morning. I did not use the CES. I’m spiraling downward. I take a bath.

[Begin Growing Up Aside Story]

Baths were a rare privilege growing up – there were too many of us (nine including parents), too small of a water heater, too expensive to heat the water, and too poor of a septic system to handle all the water.

When I did get to take a bath (usually when I was sick) I turned the water on and as soon as it was hot I stopped the drain and jumped in. I’d sit in there, carefully adjusting the temperature of the water as the tub filled – b/c you could be sure that within a few minutes of the hot water ceasing to run the water would begin to feel downright cold.

So, I still do that to this day. For me, the best part of the bath is the filling up – once it has filled the best of the experience is over. I’m always surprised when people let the tub fill before getting in. What a waste of perfectly good warm water!

[/End Growing Up Aside Story]

After the bath I took a nap. 1 hr. 15 mins. This is shorter than my usual naps – but I’ve noted that trend over the past days/weeks.

I spend some time reading the Scriptures. I’ve been on a real kick recently – I was probably finishing up Judges yesterday.

I’m trying to distract myself from the weight that bears upon me, but by 6 pm I have nothing else to hold it off with. Part of depression is losing interest in those things which once held interest for you – well that is certainly the case here. Even a movie, TV show, or turn-based historical strategy game¹Yes, it does need to be turn-based and historical and preferably on a strategic level, though I also enjoy tactical. I’m very picky. No, I do not mean anything like Age of Empires, Call of Duty, or other such nonsense. :) doesn’t provide me with the slightest feeling of relief.

Every second feels like an hour. Every moment feels excruciatingly painful. I wish there was some way for me to verbalize what it feels like – but every attempt I make falls flat.

By 9 pm I have lost everything – even the ability to continue feeling – but the feeling won’t stop. I give up, I surrender – but the enemy pushes on, closer and closer.

Consciousness. I need to escape consciousness.

This is why many get drunk, use drugs, become sex addicts, and so on – it provides temporary relief from consciousness, relief from the pain.

I use drugs – just the legal kind, in strictly regimented doses from doctors. So many oppose the use of these sort of medications, I wish they could see that they are oftentimes condemning themselves, their children, their friends to seeking illicit, addictive, and dangerous forms of self-treatment.

Being honest, at times like these, even with the prescription medications, the temptation to seek out some form of illicit treatment that will blow the pain away is ohhh, so tempting.

It was several years ago at Kingdom Bound, in the night, when I received the phone call that a friend (and Cairn student) had died from a drug overdose. I was devastated. He was a young Christian, but so affable, and with such a passion for God.

But I did not think to myself, “Ohh, he must not have been genuine. A real Christian couldn’t struggle with that.” No, I knew that the pain and hunger must have overwhelmed him, the monster that gnaws had taken him…and I mourned for him…and I still mourn for him.

I don’t use illicit means to treat my pain…b/c deep within my heart I know that if I once experienced relief via whatever means from my pain, I’d never stop.

At 9 pm I take clonazepam (prescribed) and fall asleep hoping the morning will bring a little sunshine, b/c I barely made it today.