On Friday (8/30) I had a Skype session with a new counselor. He seems godly, intelligent, and friendly – I’m looking forward to future sessions with him and really appreciate his willingness to do Skype sessions with me rather than requiring me to drive an hour to his office and then an hour back. I doubt I’d stick to it. He asked a lot of great and probing questions.
It was a fairly good day (relatively), continuing the series of good days I’ve had recently. I did need a nap (1.75 hrs.), which again was unusual for of late. I took fluoxetine in the morning – per usual – as well as wellbutrin (buproprion) and then wellbutrin again in the late afternoon. I went to bed around 11:45 pm.
I awoke at 3 am on Saturday (8/31) and remained awake until 6 am. Finally fell back asleep but was up again at 8 am for breakfast with Brice. Not surprisingly I needed a nap – 1.25 hrs. The rest of the day was primarily spent in sermon preparation – though I would take another 1.25 hr. nap in the late afternoon. Took medications per usual and went to bed around 10:30 pm. This was another good day. I think this makes seven days in a row.
Sunday (9/1) was rough though. I awoke at 12 am and remained awake until 4 am, then was up again at 8 am to prepare for the morning service. From the time I awoke I was struggling. I was preaching on Mark 11:11-25, which includes a call to prayer, faith, and forgiveness by Jesus. These are areas I struggle in – and was certainly struggling with this morning. I did my best to relinquish things into God’s hands.
I felt some peace as I drove to the church, but then as I pulled into the parking lot I saw….and my heart sank.
Emotions are the result of thoughts. Change your thoughts and your emotions will oftentimes follow.
I saw….and my heart sank again…and it would falter thrice more before the day was through.
I can’t do this alone, it must be together or failure is assured…Am I asking too much or too little?
The afternoon was miserable, my heart ached (referred pain), but I managed to be somewhat productive and forced myself to attend College & Career at Paul & Kiki’s apartment – and I am glad I did…my mood was boosted by the fellowship, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, discussion, and bananagram (very addictive).
Its now 1:30 am on the 2nd, I haven’t gone to bed yet…I intend to momentarily and hope to sleep through the night and face a better day tomorrow. Seven good days followed by one bad – I don’t like it, but it is doable. Can I have another seven good ones or will the 2nd pull me under like a millstone around my neck?
I need to express my frustration, otherwise the pressure builds until the container (me) can no longer hold it and I explode (aka let someone know just what I think about…).