It has been a busy, yet productive day. I’ll talk more about it tomorrow when I write my usual blog post about the previous day’s happenings, but I wanted to record this specific experience while it is still fresh in my memory.
I prepared for a church meeting tonight and even arrived early. I brought the paper to recycle and a bundle of books as well as my laptop. Per usual, I chatted with everyone before the meeting started. Then it happened. I said, “We are going to look at the systematic…” I felt two thoughts cross over in my head and I couldn’t pick which one I wanted and then I was blank.
John Sherk said, “salvation?”
And I said, “Yes.” Only to realize a minute later that that was not what I had intended to discourse on systematically, in fact, as far as I knew I didn’t intend to discourse on anything systematically this evening.
“Well, lets pray and maybe things will come around.” Okay, after prayer I’m still confused so I’ll read from Brennan Manning a passage I wanted to share…Reading is easy for me. The words come out all jumbled. Sarah reads for me, then Will reads the Scripture passage from J.B. Phillips translation of the NT. I close my eyes and listen.
I have questions on my computer but I’m having a hard time making sense of them. I finally get the questions out and everyone begins answering. I close my eyes occasionally and just listen. It seems easier that way, as if my brain can’t keep up with the stimuli…and all I really need to do is hear – though I like to look at people when they are talking to me – I’ll settle for understanding what they are saying…sometimes I can open my eyes and do both.
The confusion stays – but not as intense throughout the entire meeting – and while everyone is talking I feel my body shaking and every once in a while a twitch in my head. My entire body feels as if it is light as a feather – no maybe more brittle. My bones, it feels like I’m just bones and the bones can’t support me. I’m going to collapse into a heap. My head is too big, it is going to break the bones.
“I think there may be something seriously wrong with me.”
After the meeting I’m doing okay. I stick around for a while and enjoy conversation and laughter. I dispose of the paper recycling and get home without incident. I’ve never experienced anything like this before…okay, actually, I’ve experienced a few things.
There was the time I went to see Les Miserables and didn’t remember seeing it, and there is the fact that I oftentimes just note down key words on a page when preaching b/c I know what I want to say, just sometimes I get lost and need a word to bring me back to it again…and by lost I don’t mean I go on a rabbit-trail but that the train of thought suddenly just disappears.
For the last few days I have had headaches, light-headedness, nausea, felt dizzy, and so on – but I assumed that was just the withdrawal effects from discontinuing Adderall. I had discontinued Adderall once in the past and had experienced similar symptoms – but nothing like this tonight.
So what caused it? Well it could be Adderall withdrawal – but that seems unlikely since I have gone off Adderall before with only minor (headaches, nausea) discomfort.
It could be the Wellbutrin. What is it called? Serotonin Syndrome. I don’t think it would be the Wellbutrin by itself, but maybe the combination of Wellbutrin and Prozac together…but I asked the psychiatrist and he said it would be okay…
Then there is the lack of sleep option – which seems like a good possibility. I realized I’ve been going on minimal sleep for a while now – last night was four hours I think…and I was too busy today to get a nap in…sleep deprivation could cause this…and when I am sleep deprived I do experience impaired ability to think and speak (significant, imho, I have never noticed others being impaired as much as me when I am sleep deprived).
It could be that I’m not eating balanced enough. I’ve been drinking a lot of Ensure for the last two months – maybe I’m missing out on something. But I’ve been eating out a decent bit – so I wouldn’t think that was the problem…and fairly healthy too…and I’ve been making sure to eat some nuts for protein and yogurts and carrots and drink juice.
The final option is some combination of the above.
I’m not going to the hospital. I guarantee they’d do a bunch of work and wouldn’t find anything…and right now I don’t have health insurance, so we’d end up with huge bills.
I see the doctor again this Thursday…I’ll report to him and see what he says. I suspect he’ll give me something for the insomnia – as I think that is the most likely culprit. If it occurs again before then, I’ll step down my dosage of Wellbutrin as well to what it was before I went off Adderall – that would take serotonin syndrome off the table.
Emotionally I am stable. No needs to worry there. In fact, I’ve been very pleased with my day-by-day emotional improvement.