Days 6 and 7 – Fluoxetine and Wellbutrin.

Tuesday (9/3) was another restless night. I slept from 1 to 3 am and then was up until 5 am. Woke up again for the day at 8 am. Did a bunch of office work and other church related activities and was feeling pretty good.

Went to the leadership meeting at 7 pm on Tuesday and began suffering significant cognitive impairment. I wrote about that more extensively here and here.

As we talked about what it looked like to carry our cross Tuesday evening after the meeting, I remarked that for me part of it was accepting that in every moment I wasn’t going to be doing “great things” for God – and that that was okay. A lot of life is very ho-hum…I didn’t expect that that would extend to all day Wednesday (9/4) and is still somewhat true today (9/5). I’m still trying to accept it – it is a struggle. I want to push myself so hard, but I’ve only been busy for perhaps 2.5 hrs. now and yet I’m already pretty exhausted (mentally) and weak (physically).

Anyways, Wednesday (9/4) I was able to fall asleep around 1:15 am and slept until 8 am. My cognitive abilities were still sub-standard, so I focused on more “manual” tasks like organizing and chores. I didn’t take any of my medications on Wednesday – b/c I was worried about pushing myself back into the danger zone…I’m not sure how long it takes for Wellbutrin to be eliminated from the blood stream and I was unable to reach my psychiatrist. Initially I was going to take my Prozac, but since Wellbutrin has an amplifying effect and I didn’t know how close to the edge (of cognitive impairment) I was, I decided not to risk it.

I had dinner with Jawanza at Cairn to discuss U-Link. I am always excited about what U-Link is up to – and by Jawanza’s passion. I’m looking forward to working with U-Link this year, as always.

By the time I got home I was exhausted again. I didn’t try accomplishing much more productive and was ready for bed by 8:30 pm, but forced myself to stay up until nearly 10 pm, when I finally went to sleep. I’d wake up 45 mins. later and spend some time reading Scriptures (just finished Daniel, now halfway through Ezra) and before midnight I was out again. I’d sleep through the night for the first time in a long time.

It seems likely that the Wellbutrin was contributing to my insomnia as well, and thus when I went off it, I was able to sleep better. That said, it could also have been that the physical and mental exhaustion I was feeling from the overload of the medications could be the reason I slept so well.

Its Thursday (9/5) now and I’ve been able to accomplish a good bit…but there is so much more I want to do and will seek to accomplish today…but trying to pace myself.

Starting yesterday I began having pangs towards the left side of my abdomen. They have come and gone. I’m pretty sure I just pulled a muscle or something – but I also find it somewhat humorous. I feel like the more incidents one has piled on top of another the more unbelievable one’s story becomes – and I feel a bit like that is my story right now. “That many bad things don’t happen to people in rapid succession…You are making this up.” Yeah, we don’t say that – but I’ve thought it before…and as I think through this and previous posts I feel similarly about my own experience – “Could the last days, weeks, and months have been like this? Come on, what is the likelihood that you’d have x, y, and now z happen one after another?”

I feel like laughing b/c I’d like to be part of the cosmic humor that has brought this series of events upon me – instead of being devastated by them.

That said, I’m in fairly good spirits. Frustrated by my inabilities right now – but I feel emotionally stable and upbeat – which is a fairly significant change from the past. I think the Wellbutrin has had a significant positive effect on my mood – now I just need to work with a psychiatrist to get it to a place where it has maximum positive effect on mood while not killing me or severely impairing my cognitive functioning. 😛

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