Tuesday (9/3) was another restless night. I slept from 1 to 3 am and then was up until 5 am. Woke up again for the day at 8 am. Did a bunch of office work and other church related activities and was feeling pretty good.
As we talked about what it looked like to carry our cross Tuesday evening after the meeting, I remarked that for me part of it was accepting that in every moment I wasn’t going to be doing “great things” for God – and that that was okay. A lot of life is very ho-hum…I didn’t expect that that would extend to all day Wednesday (9/4) and is still somewhat true today (9/5). I’m still trying to accept it – it is a struggle. I want to push myself so hard, but I’ve only been busy for perhaps 2.5 hrs. now and yet I’m already pretty exhausted (mentally) and weak (physically).
Anyways, Wednesday (9/4) I was able to fall asleep around 1:15 am and slept until 8 am. My cognitive abilities were still sub-standard, so I focused on more “manual” tasks like organizing and chores. I didn’t take any of my medications on Wednesday – b/c I was worried about pushing myself back into the danger zone…I’m not sure how long it takes for Wellbutrin to be eliminated from the blood stream and I was unable to reach my psychiatrist. Initially I was going to take my Prozac, but since Wellbutrin has an amplifying effect and I didn’t know how close to the edge (of cognitive impairment) I was, I decided not to risk it.
I had dinner with Jawanza at Cairn to discuss U-Link. I am always excited about what U-Link is up to – and by Jawanza’s passion. I’m looking forward to working with U-Link this year, as always.
By the time I got home I was exhausted again. I didn’t try accomplishing much more productive and was ready for bed by 8:30 pm, but forced myself to stay up until nearly 10 pm, when I finally went to sleep. I’d wake up 45 mins. later and spend some time reading Scriptures (just finished Daniel, now halfway through Ezra) and before midnight I was out again. I’d sleep through the night for the first time in a long time.
It seems likely that the Wellbutrin was contributing to my insomnia as well, and thus when I went off it, I was able to sleep better. That said, it could also have been that the physical and mental exhaustion I was feeling from the overload of the medications could be the reason I slept so well.
Its Thursday (9/5) now and I’ve been able to accomplish a good bit…but there is so much more I want to do and will seek to accomplish today…but trying to pace myself.
Starting yesterday I began having pangs towards the left side of my abdomen. They have come and gone. I’m pretty sure I just pulled a muscle or something – but I also find it somewhat humorous. I feel like the more incidents one has piled on top of another the more unbelievable one’s story becomes – and I feel a bit like that is my story right now. “That many bad things don’t happen to people in rapid succession…You are making this up.” Yeah, we don’t say that – but I’ve thought it before…and as I think through this and previous posts I feel similarly about my own experience – “Could the last days, weeks, and months have been like this? Come on, what is the likelihood that you’d have x, y, and now z happen one after another?”
I feel like laughing b/c I’d like to be part of the cosmic humor that has brought this series of events upon me – instead of being devastated by them.
That said, I’m in fairly good spirits. Frustrated by my inabilities right now – but I feel emotionally stable and upbeat – which is a fairly significant change from the past. I think the Wellbutrin has had a significant positive effect on my mood – now I just need to work with a psychiatrist to get it to a place where it has maximum positive effect on mood while not killing me or severely impairing my cognitive functioning. 😛