On Wednesday (9/11) I woke up at 7:30 am. I had several meetings throughout the day and did some office work. I was still struggling with the change that had occurred and throughout the day this was evident. I took two naps – two hours, the other one hour. That is more than I’ve napped in a long time. I’m reading again, trying to understand and to know how to cope. I’m depressed and frustrated and go to bed around 10:30 pm. I took my medications as prescribed, like usual, but they aren’t holding up under the additional pressure I’m feeling.
Thursday (9/12) I wake up at 7:45 am. I’m glad to be up without the alarm going off. I accomplish the usual essential tasks – including shaving. I have several meetings during the day (one of which includes some great positive news), perform general office work, and work on cleaning the house. I feel lethargic and my body aches. I’ve been taking a lot of baths, which seems to help a little – but doesn’t provide any long-term relief.
I nap for around 2 hrs. – less than yesterday but still more than what has been usual. Medications are taken like usual. In the evening I have one final meeting that goes completely sideways. By the time its over, I’m pretty wrecked. I don’t recover for the rest of the night.
In general, I’m a very patient person.
I’ve taken a ton of crap from folks without fighting back.
I find that in many situations if I can “wait out” the anger they will settle down and we can have a productive conversation.
I’ve had folks verbally assault me with outrageous claims repeatedly, and I’ve maintained the peace.
I can count the times I’ve been *really* angry with ease.
I’ve worked for months or years with angry or unreasonable people without going berserk…
But in certain situations with specific individuals (three) I find myself walking away from the conversation asking, “Who was that animal that I became?”
Most people have never heard me raise my voice – but I raise my voice with them – sometimes to the point where I’ll be hoarse the next day.
Most people have never seen me angry – but with them – I’ll kick down a door or rip one of my books to shreds.
Most people have never heard me use profane language – but with them – I’ll curse a blue streak.
I’m not proud of who I become at these times. I don’t understand how it happens. I’m trying to have a logical, reasoned conversation and suddenly, World War III has been unleashed.
Being in the midst of verbal warfare isn’t unusual for me – and I keep my cool under fire – but in this context – I don’t. I lose it. I’m used to being verbally nuked – but here I find myself returning the nukes.
And it happens so fast…the escalation…and then I’m in the miserable midst and I see no escape.
Each of these are individuals I sowed my life into for years and who sowed into mine.
Each of these has called me to a higher standard and then betrayed the standard they called me to.
Each of these individuals continues to view reality in a fundamentally different (and opposite) way from me.
I know this is why I enter into the escalation. I let them past my armor (I’m probably a insecure avoidant when it comes to attachment style) and they chop me up inside – the reason I can hold my cool in most other situations is b/c I never let folks beyond the chain mail – they can whack me with their swords all they want, but they can’t hurt me.
The dilemma is now two-fold:
1. How do I forgive those who have never (may never) stop injuring me? Who never seem able to understand or accept how deeply they have hurt me?
2. How do I disable these individuals’ ability to “push my buttons” – I don’t want to respond this way – but by the time I’m conscious of it, it is too late. I’ve already said the words I regret. Maybe I can’t stop them from pushing my buttons, but how can I intercept the signal and control my response?