Monday (9/16) was a good, busy day. I spoke at a Cairn University chapel in the morning and stopped in at TS to catch up briefly with my former co-workers. In the afternoon I worked on the Nomads lesson – chapter 10 of the Lost Princess. Nomads went well. Woo introduced us to “Team Keep Away” and while it nearly kills me every time I play it, I really enjoy it. Jonah is back from Africa and staying with us for a while – so that is also exciting.
In the afternoon I had a wave hit me. I didn’t keep track of how long it lasted – somewhere between 1-3 hours. It is that feeling of tightness in one’s chest, an ache that comes from the heart, a deep desire…but it passed.
I had trouble falling asleep. I’d end up staying awake till 1:30 am, then fell asleep. I did take a nap during the day – 1 hr. I’d be happy if I could get by with a single 30 min. to 1 hr. nap, but still comfort myself with the fact that both JFK and Winston Churchill where huge nappers…and they accomplished a thing or two during their lifetimes.
I’ve been listening to Art of Dying recently and I really like several of their songs, but the one which is most powerful to me at this time is “Get Thru This“:
I’ve seen better days / So says the mirror /
It’s hard to find divinity when you’re the king of men
[Chorus] If I can get through this / I can get through anything /
If I can make it through this / I can get through anything / I promise you
If I can get through this / I can get through anything /
If I can make it through this / I promise you, I promise you [/Chorus]
It could be much worse / But the call is close /
Tomorrow’s my reason for today to let go
[Chorus]
(2x) If I can get through this / I can get through that /
If you cut me wide open / I can cut you some slack /
If you come when I’m leaving / I might never be back /
I know it’s not easy / Just a matter of fact
If I can get through this / I can get through anything /
If I can make it through this / I can get through anything
If I can get through this / I can get through that /
If you cut me wide open / (If I can get through this) /
I can cut you some slack / If you come when I’m leaving /
(If I can get through this) / I might never be back /
I know it’s not easy / (If I can get through this) / just a matter of fact.
There have been a lot of times over the last few months I thought I wasn’t going to make it. It felt as if I couldn’t live one more second in my skin – the pain was just too intense. The pain can still be excruciatingly painful – and I have a fear that it may get really bad for an extended period of time again…right now “this” has become the new normal…but when it is no longer normal, the “new normal” may throw me for a loop again (and it doesn’t necessarily need to be a “bad normal” to throw me – change itself is enough sometimes).
[According to a note I found on songmeanings.com, the band wrote it while a friend was going through cancer. This explains lyrics like “If you cut me wide open” (I assume to remove cancer) and “If you come when I’m leaving / I might never be back” (I assume, if he is being wheeled out for surgery and you are entering, there is a real chance he will not come out from surgery alive). That said, the lyrics are general enough to allow its application to all forms of suffering.]