Day 43 – Wellbutrin & Fluoxetine.

Wednesday (10/9). I fall asleep around 1:15 am. In the morning I take my car to Thompson Auto in Penndel to have the exhaust patched and a new muffler installed, then walk back to the house. The walk is good.

In the early afternoon I become depressed and unmotivated. When this happens I try to go outside, take a walk, and read for 30 mins to an hour. I do, it helps a bit. But I find myself sobbing on the floor soon thereafter.

In the evening I walk back to Thompson Auto and pick up my car, then over to the Miller’s house for dinner. It is delicious. Over to the church for Renewal – there are only three of us tonight.

Afterwards I go home and relax, then sleep at midnight.

I took my medications as usual, took the magnesium supplement before bed, and am still taking my daily multivitamin.

Wednesday was a pretty rough day. Received some bad news. It seems like there has been a lot of bad news recently. Each bad in and of itself, but becoming more overwhelming as they stack on top of each other.

God has placed me in a time of uncertainty, a time when things have been out of my control. I could grasp for them, but I have repeatedly sought to let God be God. I think I’ve been more successful than at other times in my life – but it has been very difficult and I so often want to take control – or at least try to take control.

I feel like this time of uncertainty is drawing to a close…or at least moving into a new phase…this is both terrifying and relieving. The thought of not being in uncertainty, not being in a holding pattern feels like life. The thought of what that certainty will look like causes me to grieve and feels like death.

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