A rough day. For the first time in a long time my time journal includes an entry for “listless” – e.g. non-productive due to depression. It was for around an hour…which isn’t too long, but it means that not only was I feeling depressed, but I was feeling too depressed to either do anything productive or find anything entertaining. One aspect of depression is loss of enjoyment in usual activities.
Another rough day. I manage to keep myself going throughout the day, but emotionally, it is draining.
A better day, even though I can’t remember if I took one or two Wellbutrin in the morning – so I never take the second one (I’m pretty sure I didn’t take two in the morning). Bowling in the afternoon with Will, Taylor, Cassandra, and Sarah is fun. I manage to keep myself busy throughout the evening until I fall asleep at 9:20 – very early for me, but I feel exhausted – and haven’t been having as much trouble sleeping through the night since I began taking magnesium before bed (even though I’ve forgotten to take it the past two nights).
I’ll wake up around 12 am – not b/c I can’t sleep anymore, but b/c I must have ate something with lactose in it and my stomach is killing me. I’m still awake at 2:15 am (right now).
I feel optimistic about this week. I ask the Lord to help me take each day at a time, each moment at a time. I feel anxiety about the future. I feel like I need to do more and better so that things will come together at church…but I know that worrying like this doesn’t get me anywhere. It depresses me and my wheels spin. I resign myself (again) to being faithful now and trusting God for the future. Oooohhh, it is so hard! I’m constantly handing the future over to God and then snatching it back (well, deluding myself that I have snatched it back – never is the future in my control).
Sometimes my mind tells me, “You just ‘resign yourself’ b/c it is an excuse for your failures. You could do better, you should do better.” This is a very enticing lie. It seems so reasonable – and there is some kernel of truth in it – but so much falsehood. No, no. I know I try, I know I do not desire to excuse, I want to do better, and by God’s grace I will continue to improve in my service to Him and others…but focusing on the ways in which I have been less than perfect in the past or am so in the present does not help me move forward – it only depresses me (retarding forward momentum) and takes my eyes off of God and places them on myself…and that is stupid. 🙂