I put an artificial limit on myself. I want to make a decision before the 27th. This has essentially been the plan from the beginning – but with each week passing by my anxiety and dis-ease has increased. In the last few days it has wracked me up and down…yesterday and today it feels like it increases by the minute. I am offered brief reprieves when individuals enter my life as a breath of fresh air and offer me an escape from the turmoil inside…but I can’t be around people too long either…
On the 16th I did office work and IT consulting. I had lunch with a missions representative and dinner with the Millers. I’m getting a good bit done – but I’m really limited. I have to take regular breaks or my brain overheats and I can’t do anything for a prolonged period of time. I spend most of the evening recuperating – not so much from external stressors as the impending deadline which looms over me like death itself.
I go to bed by midnight. I take my medications per usual. My entire body is locking up and the aches are fairly constant. Elevating my legs isn’t helping…my sleep is broken by continuous cramps, a lot of times I curl into a ball, b/c having my legs stretched out pulls on the muscles, curling up lets the muscles not need to be stretched as far.
“What does it all mean? I can’t put it together. Life is a puzzle and I can’t find the answers…It is killing me waiting and waiting, not knowing what is going to happen…I’ve been having a hard time all day and spent a good number of hours sleeping and curled in a ball. I hurt inside and I don’t like it.”
That was my inner life – outside I had meetings, consulting, sermon preparation, and cleaned the house…but the inner turmoil was reflected in the four hours in naps I took. I’m in bed by 11:30 and asleep by 12.
Still, I am encouraged after meeting with Cassandra, Sarah, Paul, and Kiki…even if I feel like a bit of a party pooper. I feel like I’m talking in circles, like I’m negative, like I don’t make sense or am rambling.
I awake at 1 am and don’t fall asleep until 3:30 am. Goodbye to a full night of sleep. In the morning I meet with Cassandra and Cayla and we discuss a number of upcoming projects for the church – and I am encouraged.
I have my usual Friday counseling session and it wears me out as usual. I’ll take 3 hours in naps. I try to keep from the naps by exercising – people (including doctors) like to tell me, “Your depression will get better if you exercise”, “Your OCD will get better if you exercise”, “You will sleep better if you exercise.” I know this is supposed to work, but it doesn’t.
In general, I feel pretty useless and frustrated. I’m in emotional turmoil and physical pain. I read a lot – but that is about the most productive thing I am able to do. My brain is a ball of mush.
I won’t be able to go to bed until 5 am Saturday…
I feel like I’m walking through hell. There is a beginning and an end – and I know this…but the beginning is far behind me…and the end, well, it is far ahead. I walk into new chambers every once in a while (like I expect to sometime this week) and that encourages me b/c it says “progress” but in reality – all the chambers look the same. The form of torture morphs, but the torture is perpetual.
I know there will be an exit someday…and the human can undergo almost any amount of suffering as long as he has hope…so, as long as I have hope, I survive…but hope does not eliminate the anguish in the present.