My mom sent me a letter that I just read this morning. She talks about people who are praying for me and then says, “How many more? So many more I am sure! Know God has not forsaken you! He is at work in the darkness – I hate the darkness for you and so want it gone but believe He is at work in and it and one day we’ll understand.”
I broke down and started crying. I used to say that I never cried – I can’t say that anymore. I think the crying I’ve done over the last few months has made up for all the years I didn’t cry.
Now I have to say something different, “I don’t know why I’m crying.” I know there are bad things happening in my life – reasons to cry – but I cannot draw a line from cause to effect, from injury to angst. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have cried and knew what I was crying about.
I cried when my grandfather committed suicide (9)…when I was chewed out for doing something good (16)…when my first girlfriend dumped me (17)…when my parents divorced (22)…when while trying to love well I had to hurt and was hated and rejected (25)…when Talbott died in my hands and I was all alone (27)…and I’ve cried from June till now (29).
Sure, I can remember other times I cried – usually while watching some totally random movie or TV episode – but I usually haven’t understood why I cried then…In fact, I’m usually downright befuddled. I understand that what I am watching is oftentimes heartbreaking (though sometimes it is just completely odd-ball) – but I don’t understand why it makes me cry when more weightier things in my real life don’t even moisten my eyes.
I’m still crying…and I don’t know why. Sure, I can point to different events occurring in my life right now – or the ever current depression, the fear of future failure – but to select any of these is arbitrary. It is simply a roll of the dice.
Larry Crabb uses the analogy of an iceberg – there is the little bit one can see above the waves and then there is the great bulk of it beneath. He and other counselors suggest we need to work at unveiling the rest of the iceberg. It sounds good in theory – but I’ve tried and tried and the waves refuse to abate. I see potential causes, but I cannot determine which cause – nor how to negate that cause.