[Note: I’m in a lot of pain. Life is almost unbearable. I try to be pretty unfiltered in my posts, sort of “stream of consciousness” – this represents what I feel in the moment, not necessarily what I know over time. This post is perhaps one of the angrier ones I have written. Sometimes I feel angry, but it is not a continuing attitude within me nor is it aimed at any specific person – it represents more a general frustration with the situation as a whole and the intractability of it…Usually I feel angry when I’m really hurting…I feel angry b/c I feel alone and the weight of the pain is burying me.]
I feel misunderstood. Do you have any idea what is going on inside of me? And do you even care enough to find out?
When I stop demonstrating emotion. When my voice goes flat. When my non-verbal cues are silent. This is when I am hurting the most.
When the pain internally consumes all of me – then I have no energy for emotion, no air to push intonation out of my mouth, no strength in my muscles to communicate in vivid silence.
I stop expressing when there is nothing left in me to express with.
I stop b/c I’m dying inside and it is all I can do to be present – to stay awake, to stay here. I’m giving you everything I have left.
……
These days there are layers to my pain.
The message communicated to me through this ordeal has been “you are not enough” and “you will never be enough.”
Not only from the ordeal past but also in the dilemma now.
Did I do or am I doing something so awful that I am not enough? That I will never be enough? Is my failure so much worse?
I know I have never been enough. That is okay, b/c I thought/think I didn’t have to be. Someone else was for me, is for me.
……
Do you think I want this?
I feel like I’m being ripped in two.
In ten years, things grow together.
Do you think I want this?
……
If you want to talk to me…
Decide if you really want to…I’m not going to bare my soul so you can walk away.
Ask if I am willing to talk to you…
Pursue me with specific questions…
Let me ramble…
Hold your judgments until you have felt my pain…
Until you can understand why and how I can think this way.
…….
I don’t have anything left.
It’s okay, don’t worry about me, I’m just going through hell.