The Weight

I’ve been doing good. Last night I turned off all my electric devices a few minutes after eleven and just read until my eyes became heavy and I fell asleep. I awoke several times during the night – but was able to fall back asleep each time after a few minutes. It was a good night’s sleep.

In the morning I performed my morning routine without too much (mental) pain – including taking my medications and drinking my healthy shake.

Then there  was office work to do – sending and responding to emails, making and receiving phone calls, and so on. This work always seems to drag on and when one looks up at the clock it has only crept forward a few minutes…but when one looks back in aggregate over a week it seems far too much has been spent on administration. The worst of both worlds – time moving slow and yet at the same time the task consuming too much time.

After this I took a few minutes to load books into bags to prepare for the Arts & Artisan Bazaar this Saturday. I’ve pretty much finished with the books downstairs, now it is just those upstairs. As I remove the volumes and put them into bags a sadness which has a weight to it – feeling almost like a physical burden has been placed on my back – descends upon me.

Why? It is not about the books. I am ready to sell these books. I will not miss them – I can buy them again at a later date if I find I need any of them. So what is it?

Reality. Reality setting in. Another step away from what I have known and sought shelter in for over ten years.

I feel nauseous. My chest feels tight, my teeth are clenched, and the light goes out – that light of energy and desire and hope – the one that motivates us to do something, anything.

So…now I write…and with time the feeling fades…but it will be back, it won’t leave me alone. I face the future with a certain terror. I trust God will take me through whatever comes my way and that He is with me in the midst of the struggle – but I also know that the pain, the suffering, the angst are entirely real – and that they will not bind themselves to a single moment in time but will extend over days, weeks, months…years?

My mind screams, “Go back. Why are you doing this? Go back! I don’t want to go through this – restore your world to peace and order – avoid this chaos! Go back!” It is tempting, so very tempting…

My community encourages me to turn back. My desire for stability, peace, normality all scream to go back.

I feel like Abraham as he prepares to sacrifice Isaac in Soren Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling…and so I continue forward, believing that this is the right path in spite of all that comes against me and all that quakes within me.

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