When I am hurting, I write. It is a form of catharsis for me. When I’m well, I don’t write. Today I’m intentionally writing even though things have been good.
While I am still writing consistently on this blog about the depths of despair I am experiencing – I want to note that overall, this despair has become less intense and hopelessness is making an appearance on a rarer basis.
Over the last few days, for the first times in months, I’ve begun computer wargaming again. “Wait, you wasting time is a good thing?” Yes, it is. I’m a driven person who squeezes everything I can out of the day – and that isn’t healthy. Also, losing interest in what you have traditionally enjoyed is one of the key symptoms of depression – so regaining that interest is a good sign.
I still struggle with feeling like my days aren’t as productive as they should be – no matter how much I accomplish – but this is a very ingrained feeling that is probably going to take a long time to root out.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping, did cleaning around the house, had a mechanic look at my car (it wasn’t starting – just a loose cable), made a reservation with the Black Rock Retreat (I’m supposed to go away for a few days as part of this leave), did some IT consulting (and fixed one problem), read the Scriptures, and did some office work (shh, don’t tell – it was only an hour).
Today I went with Charity to look at an apartment, did more IT consulting (and fixed the other problem, huzzah), read a lot, had dinner with the Millers, Cassandra, Paul, and Kiki and even stayed around to talk afterwards (and didn’t have to force myself to do so b/c I was enjoying it…oftentimes being social is a real struggle for me). Did some programming, cleaned up after the cats, and sent off an important document to the mortgage company, and so on.
Point being, the days have been fairly productive. I still feel sharp pangs of sadness at unexpected times, but they don’t usually immobilize me. I still will go through dark days like I experienced this past weekend (the holidays are always difficult for me, b/c I’m a scrooge), but things are slowly returning to some appearance of normality.
That is all….