I haven’t been recording for a while. It looks like my last entry was for the 26th-27th of January (2.19), that means nothing for the 27th-28th (2.20), 28th-29th (2.21), 29th-30th (2.22), 30th-31st (2.23), 31st-1st (2.24), 1st-2nd (2.25), 2nd-3rd (2.26). Today is the 3rd to 4th (2.27).
The churches’ annual congregational meeting was on the 30th and I was experiencing significant anxiety regarding this. I can say that objectively – b/c I think my sudden deterioration reflects such a fact, and I can say this b/c I felt emotionally uncomfortable over this period of time, but I cannot say w/certainty that this was caused by anxiety regarding the meeting. I wonder if this is what Anne Wilson-Schaef means when she talks about “frozen feelings.”
I’m not sleeping well. Awaking frequently throughout the night. I am experiencing turbulence in some of my relationships. The congregational meeting went okay…but I laid a fleece (and, no, I’m not a fleece laying sort of guy) and God…well, I don’t know if he answered…which is way worse than him either saying ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ I am Robert Frost standing at the crossroads, choosing which path to follow and feeling a bit like God just tripped me into a tree instead of directing me to either path. I know that is unfair to God, but that is still how I feel.
I used to say I don’t cry a lot. I can’t say that anymore. On the 31st I watched two episodes of Chicago PD and both made me cry – and no, they weren’t particularly emotional episodes. Something faintly reverberates with me and I start crying and I don’t even know why.
February 2nd I was a mess. I know not to have difficult conversations the day before church, but I did and I paid for it the rest of the day and into the next. Still, the sermon came together and the membership class when fine – everything worked out.
I’m riding my bike every day for 2 hrs. or so. I’m at around 172 lbs., sometimes as low as 170.6. I can’t wait to break into the 160’s – it’ll be the first time in probably nine or ten years that I’ve been under 170.
I haven’t been tracking my sleep. I know subjectively I haven’t been sleeping well – though I slept well last night.
I’ve been a bit spotty with my CES usage – sometimes once, sometimes twice. Yesterday I used it both morning and night. Today I’m using it as I type this. Subjectively, I think it is having a positive effect.
My score on the Goldberg Depression scale is 25 (mild to moderate depression). I believe this is the lowest I’ve scored on the Goldberg Depression scale thus far. While I am experiencing a lot of unpleasant and difficult emotion – my sense of hopelessness and inability to experience pleasure seem to be less.
My score on the Burns Anxiety Inventory is 14 (Mild Anxiety) – this is significantly lower than anything I have experienced thus far. I’m still feeling perpetually anxious – but perhaps less intensely anxious.