Scrupulosity is my constant enemy. Many experience increasing peace the closer they seek to draw to God, I experience increasing angst. Others can find satisfaction in the level of their devotion, for me every advancement in devotion only reveals more horribly the abyss out of which I seek to climb…
What is someone scrupulous doing being a pastor? I ask myself the same question sometimes. Every sermon I prepare brings increasing pain, not increasing peace.
I have begged the Lord to relieve me of this thorn – but He has not. Is His grace sufficient for even me? Sometimes the intensity of the scrupulosity weighs so heavily upon me I feel as if I will break.
Tonight I am not in the deepest depths of despair, but it is certainly lurking at my door. I can feel its dark tendrils creeping round my throat, it wants to pull me slowly down into the abyss. I strive to climb up, towards my Savior, but somehow I am climbing down, deeper into the abyss.
So, I spend some time reading Scrupulous Anonymous…for those who struggle with scrupulosity like me, here is a quote to soothe your fevered brain (I hope) for a moment as it cools mine: